Christmas Songs - Part 1 - Remakes of Classics

I'm sorry, but somebody had to do it. So why not me here at This passes for music. All of you are probably thinking that I am some sort of Grinch or humbuger or heartless, ruthless vandal (I don't know what I used that last word except I have never used the word vandal in an article before), but I have heard a whole lot of Christmas stinkers this holiday season, and I want to ba-humbug those songs tonight. There are so many good Christmas songs out there, and there are so many good versions of said Christmas songs, that I just don't understand why people think it is okay to either write their own make a classic "their own". It is kind of like buying a Lexus or a Porche and turning it into a Kia (no offense to Kia... well, maybe a little offense to Kia). What is the point? To show that you can be different and original by taking a good song and making it royaly suck? Anyone can do that. You have just somehow figured out how to get paid to stomp on my childhood Christmas celebrations, and you have to be stopped.
I looked around and these are some of the worst offenders that I have found:
Re-Makes
1.Justin Beiber - Little Drummer Boy
I know a lot of people really like him right now, but what can I say? This is almost sickening. It makes may head hurt and I think it makes my allergies worse. I also gives me indigestion and makes me want to punch a kitten, for some reason. I want to pretend it does not exist after I heard it. You will probably feel the same way.


2. Toby Mac featuring Owl City - The First Noel
I am sometimes a fan of Mr. Mac, but I am not a big fan of Owl City nor am I a fan of "hip-hoppin'" up a Christmas song. I think the song was fine the way it was and there was no reason to go and do this to it.


3. Brand New - O Holy Night
If you are falling asleep while singing this song, DON'T SING IT!! And tell your guitar player to get off the pot, cause he is way to mellow. This song sounds like it was recorded accidental, and then ran through a dishwasher, and then dried, and then broken to pieces, and then put back together again and played on a broken record player. Oh, and I think it is very bad.


4. Jingle Bell Rock - Thousand Foot Krutch
Okay, I guess I am not into this style of music, but it seems like a perfectly good waste a cool guitar riff. The song is so unrecognizable, that I am not sure they have ever actually heard the song "Jingle Bell Rock". Maybe this version can be called "Jingle Bells RAWK!!" I don't know, I am out of ideas. Here you go.


5. Angels We Have Heard on High (Funky Version)
I don't think I have to say anything about this one. It speaks for it self.


Okay, Okay, I did not pick all mainstream songs, and there are a million more I could have picked, but I think I proved my point. Next time we will look at Original Christmas songs. I know you can't wait!!

"Best Days of Your Life" Kellie Pickler

"Cause I'll be there in the back of your mind,
From the day we met to you were makin' me cry"

This song is not so bad musically, in fact it is kind of catchy. But the lyrics are what give me pause. I have listed a line from the song above, which is so confusing in tense that it makes my head spin. How can she still be there if she only was in his mind "from the day we met to you making me cry"? Does that mean she stopped being there when he made her cry, and if so, than how will she still be there unless either
1. He never made her cry or
2. She is no longer there because of said crying.

Either way, I am confused. And that is just the first two lines in the song. Other than the grammar of the song, the theme of the song, a girl shunned and getting back at the ex by writing a song about him and singing it is old hat. It has been done so many times even the artists who record the must be getting tired of singing them. I will admit the song is kinda cute the first few times you hear it, but if you really start listening to it you will see that it is really about a Narcissist who can't stop thinking about how much her ex is thinking about her, ergo, she is the one with the problem, not only can she not let this guy go, but she is so self absorbed that she thinks that the time he spent with her is definitely the best days of this guy's life.
I think that may be overstating it a bit. She is obviously obsessed with this guy, to the point that the new girl should probably be a little worried about the situation. The song, ultimately, shows me the problem with our current society, that being everyone is more interested in themselves that anyone around them. Our society is so self interested it makes me sick!!

Is this the worst song ever? No it is not. I do not like the lyrical structure of the song, the arrogance of the song (and I do realize that this song is tongue in cheek, just in case you were wondering) and I do not like the fact that a lot of girls take songs like this to heart and think it is okay for them to care most about themselves. That is all I have to say about that.

Ke$ha-Keep The Kids Away

Modern pop music is kind of like cigarettes. You think, they can't be trying to get kids to smoke these things, they wouldn't do something like that, would they? I think the same thing when I listen to modern pop music. Only an idiot (or a parent who has no involvement in their children's lives) or a narcissistic parent would let their children listen to in, and Ke$ha is one of the worst offenders of them all. Her music is kind of like Disney Porn. Her music is catchy and kind of sounds like something Hannah Montana would sing to, but then she says things like "all the boys wanna touch my junk" and the great song, "Take it Off", a song about partying naked at some underground club. Every one of her songs that I have been unfortunate enough to hear on the radio has been 21 or up content (a lot of talk about drinking whiskey and sex) and it is not vague at all.

Here are some examples for you
1. From the song "Booty Call"
Just don't(Don't don't don't)Don't get attached
When I call you up Trying to get some A** all night oh oh oh
Don't want a boyfriend Just want to get some

Yeah yeah yeah I really want To get it On with you
And from the Very second That I saw you Knew you were gonna Be my new Booty call

2. From "Take it Off"
And now we lookin' like pimps
In my gold Trans-Am.
Got a water bottle full of whiskey
In my handbag.
Got my drunk text on
I'll regret it in the mornin'
But tonight
I don't give a
I don't give a
I don't give a

There's a place downtown,
Where the freaks all come around.
It's a hole in the wall.
It's a dirty free for all.

And they turn me on.
When they Take It Off.
When they Take It Off.
Everybody Take It Off.

There's a place I know
If you're looking for a show.
Where they go hardcore
And there's glitter on the floor.

And they turn me on.
When they Take It Off.
When they Take It Off.
Everybody Take It Off.

These are just a few examples of why I do not think anyone under the age of 21 should listen to Ke$ha and why any over 21 should want to listen. Am I wrong, or am I a prude? Let me know in the comments section.

Back From The Brink

So, You may have noticed that I have not written on this blog in some months. That is because, after listening to all that music that I reviewed, I went crazy and had to be "sent away for healing" or so they said. I am back now, and I have been told not to listen to as much of that music as I did in the months leading up to the white coats coming to take me away. I plan on starting a series on Artist that your kids should never, ever be able to listen to. It will begin next week and be a weekly blog. I hope, in all seriousness, that i have time to keep it up for your information and entertainment. Enjoy. One should be coming sometime next week.

Miley Cyrus - "Can't Be Tamed"

Here is a girl who is idolized by hundreds of thousands of little girls all over the world, if not millions of girls. She broke on the scene as Hannah Montana as a cute little girl (pictured above) and went from being a little girl to an industry. She started getting discontented about the old age of 15, and wanted to appeal more to an adult audience, because all Disney artists feel like they are not taken seriously. She had a hit song called "The Climb", another hit song called "Party in the USA", but that wasn't enough for Cyrus.
Now, in my opinion, there is a big difference between being a pop artist, and a skanky, gross slut. Not a big difference these days, but there is a difference. Take Christina Agulera, for instance, skanky slut who happens to do music because she has a good voice, but she is all about shock with her songs and videos. Then, on the other side, you have Taylor Swift.
She writes good songs and she dresses like a real person would dress, not like they were about to bed a vampire or something.
And that brings me to the new Miley Cyrus video that I unfortunatly caught a little of last evening.

She is trying to fly past Aguleria in the shock department, becuase, remember, she is only 17! She wants to be grown up soo bad, she skipped by the pop star and went right to the shock and slut campain. I was never a big fan, or never even cared much at all about her, but I have 2 little girls that i promise will never look up to her as a hero. I may use her as an example of what I don't want them to grow up to be like, but never anything else, or any other Disney stars. They all seem to turn out horrible (Spears, Aguleria, Lohan, Cyrus, etc...)
And on top of that, the song sucks. But, I really don't think the song has much to do with Cyrus' meltdown.

Pop Girls Week

So far, I have only focused on the boys. I was being sexiest and not very politically correct. It is time for that to change. I am going to focus the next week on the ladies of the night, also known as female pop singers. Harsh, you might say, but have you ever actually listened to the lyrics to most of their songs? they would actually make a lady of the night blush. I will hit (and by hit i mean review, so no one accuses me of violence) some "greats" like Pink,
Lady Gaga (I am not actually sure what that is)
Britney Spears and others. I hope to enlighten you as to the terribleness of their music, well, I mostly hope to make you laugh. I hope you enjoy.

Paralyzer by Finger Eleven

If you didn't know or haven't figured it out yet, I am a musician. I write and record songs. I play lots of instruments. I don't say all of this to brag, I say it because of the song I am reviewing. "Paralyzer" by Finger Eleven may be the worst lyrics of any song I have reviewed yet, and that is saying something because I have already reviewed some Nickelback songs. It is also bad musically. I have heard some boring, very repetitive, very un-musical songs on the radio before, but I usually did not hate those songs instantly. This one, I hated from the first moment my ears were scared by its sound.
This song is basically this: a conversation from one inebriated buddy to another inebriated buddy who went to a club to try to pick up chicks. Now, all of a sudden they don't like the club anymore because they cant "score", and the lack of "scoring"
has nothing to do with the fact that the guys are drunk and treat women like meat, with pick up lines like "my place on your place", no, not at all, it is totally the fault of the "uppity" or pretentious, as he states. Our society has become one of pass the blame. No one takes responsibility for anything that goes wrong in their lives, either personally or professionally. People look for any reason to blame some one or something else for their failure. My friends, this is wrong! I think the reason our society never learns anything anymore is because, in the minds of most Americans, they don't fail anymore. It is always someone else that fails, so there is nothing to learn. This is dangerous, and it leads to really bad music. Back to the song.
The song has many flaws. I probably could name them all, but I am writing a blog and not a book, and I want you to keep reading my blog! I don't care for the music, I will leave it at that.
The lyrics are childish, the music is gradeschoolish, and the vocals are raspy and hideous. I give this song a ( I am actually going to start rating songs so my blog makes more sense, although I still stand behind the rating for any Nickelback song I have rated so far) solid 1.5 out of 10. One point because it has real musical instruments (Backstreet Boys, anyone?) and half a point because I am feeling generous tonight. Thanks for reading.

Paralyzer
I hold on so nervously
To me and my drink
I wish it was cooling me
But so far, has not been good
It’s been s****y
And I feel awkward, as I should
This club has got to be
The most pretentious thing
Since I thought you and me
Well I am imagining
A dark lit place
Or your place or my place

Well I’m not paralyzed
But, I seem to be struck by you
I want to make you move
Because you’re standing still
If your body matches
What your eyes can do
You’ll probably move right through
Me on my way to you

I hold out for one more drink
Before I think
I’m looking too desperately
But so far has not been fun
I should just stay home
If one thing really means one
This club will hopefully
Be closed in three weeks
That would be cool with me
Well I’m still imagining
A dark lit place
Or your place or my place

Well, I’m not paralyzed
But, I seem to be struck by you
I want to make you move
Because you’re standing still
If your body matches
What your eyes can do
You’ll probably move right through
Me on my way to you

We’ll, I’m not paralyzed
But, I seem to be struck by you
I want to make you move
Because you’re standing still
If your body matches
What your eyes can do
You’ll probably move right through
Me on my way to you

I’m not paralyzed
But, I seem to be struck by you
I want to make you move
Because you’re standing still
If your body matches
What your eyes can do
You’ll probably move right through
Me on my way to you

You’ll probably move right through
Me on my way to you

You’ll probably move right through
Me on my way to you